heavy heavy heart.

i hold on to my beer, i do a line, i take a rip, i try not to cry. i loved you, no lies, no bullshit. to be used by you isn't rare i hear, you're a legend in the southside. i knew what i was getting myself into right when i finally sat down beside you, right when you called me your boo, your girl, your favorite. i knew when i saw the name april tattooed on your neck, i knew even then that you were broken. i knew what was happening, but i still held onto you so tight, i still believed that it was different with you and me, that you wouldn't throw me away, that you never said the things you said to me to other girls. i crave you even now, even though i should hate you, even though you made me throw things at my walls and cry into my bed for hours. even though you fucked me up. i've never felt so lost, i've never let somebody break me down before. i dont know what to do with myself.

would you hug a murderer?

charcoal on my smoke, green tea & honey in a big cold can. paint brushes and art pencils all over the floor, kurt cobain right beside me.

immense nausia.

i know theres more than this loft and your guitar, i know it.

home sweet home.

last summer was a long time ago, i'm different now. you're just, nevermind.

Elizabeth: [wiping her tears] How do you say goodbye to someone you can't imagine living without? I didn't say goodbye.
[pause]
Elizabeth: I didn't say anything. I just walked away.

oh sonny.

i wrote this when you were still around.

youre responsible for me now,you said so, you said it. and now im constantly afraid thatyoull leave me, that youll leave me in the middle of the night when the moons high. still in the middle of the night i rise sporadically and often and hold on toyou, gliding my hands over the bed to make sure you havent left me. i sit at the cabin table anxiouslydrinking chocolate milk out of a coffee cup jumping at random sounds, convinced youll leave and not come back. youre responsible for me now, you said so, you said it.

won't do no good to cry.

do the lips on the mannequins you dress look like mine? hahaha sucker.

linger on your pale blue eyes.

i was always drunk int he summer. so this is rare. i havent really drank since then and im typing with my eyes closed. trying veru hardnot to think of you. just so you know i think this is basically bullshit. i missy ou and im pretty sure you miss me so why arent we together right now? is it because im in canada and youre in white south africa? i miss you so bad i miss your eyes. come beat this dumb boy up for me please. he talks abo ut me and it makes me want to cry for you, no idea why. im not making sense. im drunk. youre far away. i just want you to know that i miss you and that i think about you all the time. i know you do too, you said so before you left. i smell like beer, i smell like you used to. its 12.:21 am. god.

i once had a friend who didnt sleep with someone just because they could. she has orangeish hair, while her younger sister has dark brown, this i never understood since they both had 'the same parents'. she had a harsh new york accent and bright blue eyes. she liked to eat the tomatoes in taco salads just because they were red.

your favorite grey sweater.

'slightly damaged but seemingly wise beyond her years.'

I sat on the tribal patterned futon, trying to remember what date it was, where my 5.00 purse was, and why was the blonde kid even here? Memories like this, well they last decades. It don't matter where you work, or how much crap you buy, you can't erase these kodak moments where the only thing that matters is what time you start drinking and how much smoke you can inhale within a pass around the circle. its amazing what wonders you can do with an old no name iced tea bottle and a safeway bag. what you may label as 'eccentric', well we call it normal. a girl party hopping in a green cast, two girls dating and would probably be madly in love if it weren't for former flames, vodka and sprite in red cups while we sit around a tin can fire, a weiner dog running blindly through the yard. you know, normal.

a favorite writer of mine once said 'owl'.

we are defined by opportunities. even the ones we miss.

i grew old in an instant; and now i'm on my own.

i'm going to leave this place behind and find new pyramids. i just knew it would all catch up to me.

word of advice; do not watch knowing while you're high.

i eat olives and i've watched the godfather countless times. a random account of my life, fucked up pictures and how the west was won.